About My New Truck!

The State of Yesterday’s Art

ãEdward Gordon, 2003

 

I went automobile shopping during the Christmas Break. The reasons why is not important, nor is the price of the automobile, there are far many more things of importance, especially the social climate that exists in the automobile industry. This is what I would like to discuss today, I started this discussion over and a year ago, and promised (threatened?) you that I would

continue it.

 

Retro is in. The manufacturers appear to have determined that all us over-50s types are going to need help dealing with our “advancing” years. We have the P/T Cruiser, the original retro car, assuaging the needs of the “woody” generation. Then came the Beetle, catering to the “not testosterone-challenged, but rather frugal” crowd. Linda and I looked at the Thunderbird, for, I wistfully still long after that Suzanne Somers blonde that inhabited the vehicle in “American Graffiti”. The cars struck me as an oxymoron. For all three were known by the sacrifices that they required, not by the comfort that they now espouse, the Beetle being 10 times the original price, but with a superb sound system, door locks that blink at you, and not only, WORKING HEAT, but also air conditioning.

 

Since then, BMW has resurrected the Mini name in order to provide us with the retro Mini Cooper.  This is quite a feat, having a German manufacturer resurrecting one of the symbols of the British social revolution of the 60s. It was a popular icon, whole circuses of clowns emerging from the tiny vehicle, and manufactured under the retired name of Austin and Morris, names that bring a nostalgic smile to most car enthusiasts. Now, there is talk of a retro Mustang, I can’t wait, for it signals that a whole new generation is entering middle age.

 

Now, let’s get to the purpose of my search. I wanted a “station wagon”. The concept does not really exist in the US, except for an attempt by Ford to provide the answer with the Escort and the Taurus. The Escort covering the subcompact market, and the Taurus covering the, “I want a large car, but I don’t really want to carry all that much” market. Europeans are buying wagons in droves, but if you want decent cargo space, you have to pay over $50,000 for a maxxed-out German or Swedish car. This is America, though, and you can get any minivan or SUV that you want, and this also requires, as my dealer stated, the “signing over of one’s first born.” The mini-van, after all, has “van” in its name, and is best used only for transporting your entire local group to an RG, and not really much more.

 

Linda and I decided that we should look at SUVs. Sticker shock is an apt term for what I am feeling right now. This is for more than one reason. We have found a manufacturing concept that America still excels in, for almost all else has gone offshore, from my grandfather’s clothe manufacturing to my software manufacturing. The SUV is a “truck”, and I have been cautioned to be very aware of that fact. Americans exist to build trucks, they manufacture far more truck category vehicles in this country than cars, or so I am told. This is witnessed by the fact of manufacture. Toyota builds in Kentucky, BMW in South Carolina, Honda in Ohio, Acura in Ontario, and Mercedes Benz in Alabama. It appears that we love our trucks, no matter who profits from their manufacture, and we are helping our balance of trade in the process.

 

It also appears that we are willing to die to preserve the right to fill their tanks to the brim. And to complete the analogy, should that fighting require on-shore defense, we have the Hummer, now affordably priced at $50,000 with the smaller H2 model, to drive ourselves through the riot-torn streets. I know this for a fact, because they demonstrated it on the television show “CSI:Miami”, with the chrome bedecked model used for “difficult crime scenes”.

 

These, vehicles, however, probably should require truck licenses. Several come with proximity detectors, radar controlled devices that will tell you when you are about to hit the car behind you when you parallel park. Parallel Park? Are you kidding? You’d be better off getting a scooter to put in the back for getting you to the store from the North 40 parking lot. Others come with cameras, built in video cameras, that are mounted on the back, since your rearview mirrors are not up to the job. Perhaps, they should change the spelling of SUV to Greyhound BUS. The vehicle does come with the “Help” button that they advertise on television, but I promise not to use it when I come to Mike O’Brien’s MMs Night Out. If you don’t see me there, you can find me in the Sam’s Club parking lot, loading up my new Mercedes Benz with BOTH toilet paper AND paper towels.